Cupid the horrible boyfriend

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cupid, eros, greek mythology, mythology, psyche, roman mythology, valentine's day

Happy St. Valentines’ Day! Everyone’s heard of Cupid, right? (Eros to the Greeks.) He might have been a god of love, but he still sucked as a boyfriend. Psyche and Eros/Cupid are one of the exceptionally rare Greek/Roman romances that didn’t end horribly, which may be another reason they’re not so popular. Either way, their story is a truly mythological tale, filled with all the requisite pettiness and stupidity.

He’s the god of erotic desire, DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS TO FIND G-RATED IMAGES?!?!

Mortal Psyche was so beautiful some people started worshiping her instead of Aphrodite/Venus. In a mature and logical response to this, Aphrodite/Venus sent her son, Eros/Cupid, to make Psyche fall in love with the ugliest man he could find.

This plan backfired when Eros/Cupid stabbed himself with the arrow meant for her.

Through some divine trickery, Eros/Cupid arranged a sort of marriage where Psyche lived in a magnificent house with invisible servants and he stopped by to visit her only at night, never letting her see his face. (I guess he had to keep it secret from his mother or something.) Eventually, Psyche’s curiosity won over and she lit a lamp while he slept. Stunned at finding the most beautiful man she’d ever seen, she then proceeded to dump hot wax all over him.

Extra crispy Eros/Cupid then flew screaming to his mother (literally) and abandoned Psyche to wander the earth. While Eros/Cupid was healing at his mother’s house, Psyche had the brilliant idea of asking Aphrodite/Venus for help finding him.

Ever the ideal mother-in-law, Aphrodite/Venus agreed to help find Eros/Cupid if Psyche could complete four impossible tasks.

First, Psyche had to sort a giant pile of mixed seeds before dawn (did I mention she was now pregnant?). Luckily, an ant assembled an army of insects in aid. Aphrodite/Venus next demanded that she fetch golden fleece from homicidal sheep. Psyche gathered wool caught on briers. Now fairly frothing, Aphrodite/Venus ordered Psyche to collect black waters from the rivers of Styx and Cocytus. This time, Zeus/Jupiter actually showed some decency for once and sent his eagle to do the task for her.

Then again, I guess if you want to talk Greek/Roman tools, just about every male deity beats out Eros/Cupid. (Image via moco-choco)

The final task was to obtain a dose of the beauty of Persephone/Proserpina. Upon success, Psyche was filled with curiosity (again) and opened the box containing Persephone/Proserpina’s beauty, but instead found that it was filled with Stygian sleep.

Now healed from his flambéing, Eros/Cupid decided he might have overreacted to the whole scorching thing. He drew the Stygian sleep from Psyche’s face then took his case to Zeus/Jupiter. Zeus/Jupiter blessed Eros/Cupid and Psyche’s union, made Psyche immortal, and ordered Aphrodite/Venus to back off. In exchange, Eros/Cupid would help should Zeus/Jupiter ever want to woo a woman (because what else would Zeus/Jupiter want?).

And there you have it. The story ends with Eros/Cupid spending eternity in love with Psyche, but I still think he sucked as a boyfriend. He really doesn’t do anything but make Psyche work to get him back. I see lots of parallels to this and the Loki/Sigyn story—total tool loved by girl who’s way too good for him—but that’s mythology for you.

Let’s hope Eros/Cupid makes a better husband.

Lessons from Greek Mythology: A little party might kill everybody

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greek mythology, mythology, story chat

I have never been one for parties or clubbing (a noisy room full of sweaty strangers, who wouldn’t love that?), but apparently that is what people my age are expected to do. Nonetheless, I am a reader and as Edgar Allen Poe (The Masque of the Red Death) and Shakespeare (Romeo and Juliet) taught us, such gatherings are dangerous things. But perhaps the hazards are not so perfectly illustrated outside of Greek mythology. Seriously, it was a wonder people kept going to these things.

The Trojans learned the hard way.

They thought they had just won a long and laborious war that had lasted over a decade. As far as they knew, their enemies had run away and left this big wooden horse as an offering, so what did they do? They threw a huge shindig, got plastered, and while they were all passed out, Greeks climbed out of the wooden horse and opened the gates, letting in more Greeks who killed/imprisoned them all.

And Andromeda’s old flame…and all his buddies.

There was this bloke, Phineus, who was engaged to Andromeda before she was bound to the rock and left out for the sea monster and so on and so forth. When Phineus heard that Andromeda was now supposed to be married to Perseus—who had rescued her from aforementioned sea monster—he was a little upset.

Therefore, Phineus barged into the wedding feast with a gaggle of his friends and a whole bunch of swords to claim the princess. Needless to say, Perseus was not particularly pleased about this. After a bit of bashing each other around, Perseus got sick of fighting and uncovered the head of Medusa, turning Phineus and his friends into stone.

Not to mention the suitors of Penelope.

Firstly, if a woman puts you off for close to two decades, I think it’s safe to say she’s not all that into you. In any event, these creeps hung around the apparently dead Odysseus’ house, waiting for Penelope to pick a new husband.

It was one big feast that went on without end and they started to eat Penelope out of house and home. Then all of a sudden, her wayward husband returns from his seven-year dalliance with a goddess and locks the suitors into the banquet hall while he and his son proceed to kill everyone in the room.

I could go on, but I think I have made my point. Greek stories were not big on morality, but there is one thing they have taught me—no matter what happens, no matter what you do, DON’T GO TO THE PARTY.

#FictionalDeathsIWillNeverGetOver Part II

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books, greek mythology, Jasper Fforde, lloyd alexander, movies, prydain chronicles, the last dragonsayer

Lately, the hashtag #FictionalDeathsIWillNeverGetOver has been trending on Twitter. As soon as I saw that, I immediately thought of characters—whose deaths I will never get over. I could not let it pass and so I must tell you all about the imaginary deaths which shall haunt me forever.

Prince Hector

As I’ve said before, the 2004 movie Troy is my favorite film of all time. (Again, don’t ask why because I have no idea.) I felt so sad when Hector died because Achilles’ reason for seeking revenge on the Trojan prince really wasn’t Hector’s fault. Achilles’ young cousin, Patroclus, was mad about Achilles refusing to fight the Trojans so he dressed up in Achilles’ armor and led his cousin’s men into battle. Hector killed Patroclus, thinking he was Achilles, but he felt really bad about it when he found out and while he had his brutal moments, he clearly had a more developed conscience than most the other characters. Oh, and he had a wife and infant son, too. He really, really was one of those characters who you wish could have lived. (Yes, I know he dies in the traditional myths, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it!)

Quark the Quarkbeast

A friend of mine loaned me Jasper Fforde’s YA debut, The Last Dragonslayer for a road trip and I enjoyed it greatly. The main character, Jennifer Strange, has a pet whose coat is described as “an open knife drawer,” eats tin cans, and has to be careful so as not to dent Volkswagens when he wags his tail. Quark was a semi-sentient creature who was fiercely loyal to his young mistress and ended up dying to save her. I knew he was going to die because once again, that detail was spoiled for me, but I still adored him and was very, very sad to see him meet his demise.

Adaon

One of the great underrated fantasy series of all time is Lloyd Alexander’s Prydain Chronicles. In the second installment, titled The Black Cauldron, we meet a young and mystical warrior who is equally skilled with a sword as the harp and seeks to make and keep peace amongst his companions. He is betrothed to a beautiful and wise young woman with whom he is deeply in love and was an all-around good guy. But…in a scuffle with the zombie-like warriors sent by the dark lord, he is fatally wounded and dies. Adaon is of the minority of my FDIWNGO in that I didn’t see his death coming. Though that didn’t subtract from the devastation I experienced at the others’ deaths, it certainly was a compounding factor with Adaon.

To be continued…